omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
