Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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