Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
