I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
