I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
