You really coming over, don't trick.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
