I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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