I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
