why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize