I must be too annoying 4 u.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
