9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize