You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
