I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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