its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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