Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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