I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
