My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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