I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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