I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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