So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
