Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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