You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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