I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
