i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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