I think i peed on brittanys purse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
