I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
