I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
