I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i drank out of a bidet.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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