Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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