You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i already hear my dad disowning me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
