I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ttyl tear gas
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
