New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
