Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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