Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
