dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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