i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
