new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
