If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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