totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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