Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
