i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
