Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
