Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
