can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
