his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
