there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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