Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
