that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
