so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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