I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
