What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
