just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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