Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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