i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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