After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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