The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
