You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
