i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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