I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
