I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
They have beer where we have blood.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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