alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize