i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize