I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
