Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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