I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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