The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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