apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
