Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
