I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
